Can I?

Sometimes I too wish that I could punch the lights out of Ken.

Make his nose bleed the way my heart does. Kick him in the groin so hard tears like the ones i shed flow. make him the target of my frustrations the way he makes me his emotional punching bag.

sadly the weekend wasnt better than last wednesday. there's something about stupidly thinking that things couldnt get any worse, and then you realise that hell really has no bottom.

maybe he is singularly incapable of love. by that i mean he is probably not one who would willingly put aside his pain to address the needs of others.

just as jac said, in ken's universe you play by his rules. if the king says you must, you simply have to. no ifs, no buts, no nos.

i probably should be living on another planet.

last night i began to consider the option of moving out on my own. to be honest the thought of having to move again is enough to scare me into postponing my decision, but i didnt come all the way here to be bullied.

it is unsettling when i find myself unwilling to think about the steps i ought to be taking to solve the problem, and i know that a good part of me is still stubbornly wishing that things will eventually get better on their own.

dont get me wrong, this is not a break up. this is, however, something close to a desperate situation so i have to consider an equally desperate measure. i know i ought to keep the channels of communication open and keep talking until i solve the problem, but i dont know how to. for some reason my eloquence falls ten notches whenever i try to bare my soul to ken.

i know i probably said this a hundred million times, but i am tired of hoping that he might come to love me the way i should be loved, and i am so sick of being treated like some old nagging hag he married 40 years ago when we've only just begun our life together two months ago.

i love this man but i dont know how long i can keep doing this. i have this fear that all the good would be eaten out of me and one fine day i would just turn completely brittle and bitter.

本当に報われない。

My Girls

I think I need my girls more than ever right now.

the car overheated again yesterday so i went to the carpark armed with a bottle of water. took me some time to figure out how to pry open the hood, and i got so confused with the tangle of wires and engine parts that i resorted to stopping a family out on their evening walk for help.

i dont need a man. now i know what to do when my car overheats.

i had everything prepared for dinner when he suddenly tells me he's made an appointment with a friend. suddenly i didnt feel like i wanted to stay at home waiting for him to come home.

i packed a toothbrush, my pyjamas, a change of clothing and a bath towel and called two of my friends. they didnt pick up the phone. i decided to leave the house anyway.

the 20 minutes or so that i spent driving in the car waiting for someone to return my call were probably my loneliest in a long time.

to the dear girl who readily agreed to take me in for the night, you're my girl.

to the rest of my girls, this is for you. i am far away and not by your sides, but know that i am always there for you. and i know you girls will do the same for me.

i dont need a man. i have my girls.

The Brewing Storm

A huge typhoon's about to hit Okinawa I think. The rain's beating down mercilessly as I write this, so chances are the trip to an offshore island that Ken and I planned for this weekend would probably be fried. Bummer.

i'd better blog about what happened over the weekend lest i let self-comforting thoughts get the better of me in a couple of days. it always happens, especially when particularly bad shit hits the fan. sometimes i wonder if it isnt some weird mechanism designed to keep me wired to things that hurt the most.

anyway, i recently realised with shock and horror that i have almost nothing physical to my name here in okinawa. i live in ken's apartment (my name is not registered because we're not married), i drive his mom's car and i have only 4,000 sing dollars in savings. my family's not with me, and neither are most of my closest friends.

what would i do if my relationship expires on me? i would literally be forced to push my suitcases out on the streets.

possibly a kind-hearted soul would take me in while i try to pick up the pieces of my life, but the horror that i am now dependent on another person for basic things like transport and shelter made me very very uncertain.

in clearer language, it makes walking away from ken (if the need arises in future, i dunno) a lot harder to do.

ashamed as i am to say it, i started crying and couldnt stop. when the tears eventually ran out, i took my red-rimmed self and a mortified ken to dinner.

Goreng Goreng Gone...

This is really of no consequence to anyone or anything but I am DYING for a bite (okay, maybe more than just one) of some goreng pisang.

i would give up the nail on my little toe to sink my teeth into a fat, oily, sweet piece of fried banana right now.

ooh, and while i'm at it i might have myself a sticky slice of fried nian2 gao1! can't remember the last time i ate it.

boo hoo. i miss singapore.

The Pissed Sheep

I have never sought to place my needs above his. in fact, i always thought my relationship was more about giving him and his needs priority.

i send him to work. i pick him up from work. i make him lunch (well, most of the time). i iron his clothes. i clean the house. i pay for the groceries. i do the laundry.

to be accused of only thinking for myself was like a hard slap to my face.

and yet, when things get to such a point i always feel as if i am in no position to defend myself. his accusations come fast and furious, and his words never fail to hit where it hurts the most.

one sentence and everything becomes exposed in the harsh light of day. a few words was all it took to make my heart feel like it's been trampled upon and put through a grinder.

I am Famous! (Well, Not Quite...)

Let's preserve this for posterity.

my first ever attempt at Photoshop! (actually my younger-than-me-senior did most of the work but it's a small difference.)

the good people decided i needed some plugging for my blog, so they taught me to design this website banner. and i added in japanese text as well so that the site users could figure out what i was talking about.

the banner went public yesterday and immediately the number of hits dramatically increased. and i'm getting comments from other bloggers!

the wonders of advertising.

p.s. to mich: thank you for posting my first ever comment! : )