I haven't seen Ken in six months.
a mutual friend from argentina who visited okinawa recently sent me some snapshots and i managed to get a good look at ken since the last time i saw him in september 2007.
we send messages to each other's phones and skype as often as we can (which has sadly dwindled to twice a week these days), but he doesnt have a webcam so i cant see his face when we talk. work keeps him very busy so i dont ask for him to send me pictures of himself either.
mostly i just imagine how he might look when he tells me he got a new haircut or that he shaved off his beard. when he says he has put on weight, i try not to conjure up images of a moses lim-sized girth. very thankfully, the pictures my friend sent me has put the worst of my fears at rest.
i dont know if people would understand what i'm trying to say here but seeing ken's pictures brought on a curious feeling. it reminded me of his first visit to singapore four months after i left okinawa. when he came through the arrival hall, things were awkward at best. for some reason i couldnt imagine that the person standing before me was my boyfriend. perhaps not meeting someone you wanted so badly to see confuses the mind and bring forth mixed emotions.
separation is a joyless thing but as the weeks stretch to months you begin to take comfort in the fact that you've grown stronger in his absence. and without knowing, the relationship starts to feel surreal, and the person you love becomes further withdrawn from your daily life.
when did i begin thinking that i would be fine without him? how did i start entertaining thoughts of reassessing our relationship, of giving up?
i think i need to be reminded of why i fell in love at the beginning. i need to have him close by, need to be able to look at him when we talk. i want to see him in the mornings and at night, breathe the air he breathes. i need to be with him.