An Ode To My Sister

I don't really have to state the obvious, but Serinah isn't my real name. i decided one day when i was 14 that I would take on an english name, and i chose one close to my cousin's. i don't even think she knows there's where i got the inspiration from.

serene is a year older than me and is the eldest daughter of my dad's oldest brother. she was named sok ling at birth and i was called sok ping when i arrived a year later. we practically grew up together because i hung out with my cousins all the time when we were young (in fact we still do), but of them all, i was the closest to her.

this is not something i talk about very often but serene is suffering from severe mental depression. she's been battling her inner demons for 17 years now. it's very sad to admit but i dont even have that many memories of her when she was still healthy and happy. we came close to losing her several times across the years, but miraculously she has pulled through time and again.

the scary thing about mental illness is that you cant see how bad a person suffers. and the lack of proper understanding of depression and the damage it can wreak has made things a lot worse for serene. we can immediately sympathise with a cancer patient because physical suffering is very easily imagined, but this is not the case for illnesses inflicting the mind. the pain is no less real, but somehow the patient is denied the full extent of empathy simply because the nature of his affliction prevents him from putting his torture on display.

had serene not fallen sick, she would have achieved many great things by now. it's cruel how life seems to always curtail the glory of the bright and the brilliant. she excels in art. she is kind and always puts the needs of others before her own. she listens with a ready heart and always offers honest opinions. she is well-read and has wonderful insights on buddhism.

our relationship wasnt always smooth; my lack of understanding culminated in a unforgettably violent outburst once. for the past four years since my return from okinawa though, i've learnt to cater to her needs and listen to her problems. having her in my life made me a better person because it taught me the importance of stepping completely into a person's shoes.

and she has helped me considerably over the years. i now realise that i need her as much as she needs me.

lately i've been gripped by fear that i might actually lose her. that the connection we share might not be enough to keep her here with us. what would i do if her life slips past my fingers or if i fail to catch her when she falls?

my prayers for her are getting fervent. and for the first time i'm not sure if we'll ever see the light of day.