I Love Me

Spent Tuesday night with Jac and went to bed with a million thoughts.

maybe it's because the girl experienced enough bad karma from ten lifetimes, but i have had more than a few life-defining moments with jac. we dont meet or contact each other very often, but when we do, the moments are stellar. for me, jac represents the best things about friendship: (loud) laughter, the freedom to be honest, genuine support and heartfelt appreciation. it's so easy being jac's friend because i can perform beautifully without trying. and i always take home with me many precious things, like a treasure trove of good feelings or a much-deserved bout of deep introspection.

i went home with the latter on tuesday. jac said many things that felt like a concoction of bitter medicine. but because it was served with the best of intentions and the most accurate of insights, i drank in every word.

yes, i am going away. never has a day gone by without me having to repeat the fact that i am leaving in april. yes, i'll be gone for at least two years...no, i dont know when i'll be coming back or where i may be headed after that. i've said these things so many times to so many people it's starting to sound like a mirage to me. one that pretends to exist sometime in the distant future but never really gets to happen.

if i sound like i dont have a choice about leaving, that's because i really dont. jac is right, love is not transferable. i am going away because this heart needs a home. this heart cannot be filled with the affections of well-meaning folks when what its void really yearns for are the contributions of a significant other. for too long i have been doing what should and ought to be done. i have stoically practised delayed gratification and the stress is showing. i am bruised and tired. i keep telling myself it's okay when it's really not. i feel like throwing everything down and running away.

this is not to say that i am escaping with illusions of any sort. it is not going to be a happy little life because i forecast a lot of rain and stormy weather. and i will probably find myself ridden with the same feelings of indignance and helplessness. but i wont ever regret it because i strongly feel that the life i am about to start miles away from home would be something of lasting value.

in other words, i am not simply doing this in the name of love. i have to go because i need to live my life, one that is defined by my own standards and created from my own two hands.

and this new life of mine would really need to be tempered with some well-placed self-love. giving is only good when you dont empty yourself out doing it. maybe when i finally locate the fine equilibirium i can give and honestly feel good about it. and i hope the next time i tell myself it's okay, i can smile knowing that i truly meant it.

to jac: thank you. sanity couldnt come in a better, sexier package. i love you.