Give Me Mo'

I am loving this man's music.

Not my find because i only found out about him through ken, who arrived home jubliantly after salvaging his cd from the second-hand bookstore.

he's going straight into my ipod.

16 Things You Never Knew About Me

Since I got fingered for this little exercise, thought I just might try it out.

1. I can't ride a bicycle.

2. I have a blue mole on my left shoulder.

3. I am very good with commercial jingles. Show it to me once and I'll remember it for life.

4. I look horrible with hats and glasses on.

5. My secret style guru is Kate Moss (but I am always too embarrassed to admit it).

6. I cannot remember multiplication tables past 6 ( I really dunno what is 7 x 8).

7. I have read every book in the Nancy Drew series but I hate Sweet Valley High (and V.C. Andrews).

8. I think I might be allergic to chocolate (my skin reacts very badly to it).

9. Since swearing off chocolate, my NBF is cocoa.

10. I HAVE to eat fried chicken when I am upset.

11. I have never eaten tao suan and kuey chap in my entire life.

12. I cannot swim with my head under water (which means I can only swim breaststroke).

13. My favourite pastime of the moment is pumping petrol in my car ( and going for automated car washes).

14. I can't eat raw onions. They stink too bad.

15. I love trawling gossip websites and magazines for celeb fashion boo-boos. It's therapeutic and it's nice knowing they are all human like me.

16. I have been failing Mathematics since I was in Primary Four.

Fall Into Winter

2008 has zipped by in a flash since my temporary absence.

the months has been busy with the usual load of presentations and hand-wringing over my thesis, on top of house cleaning, still more home decoration (we now have TWO study desks and i even set up a very elegant, good-enough-to-rival-all-those-Metro-ones Christmas tree! *puffed up pride*), and a thoroughly enjoyable trip with my family who flew in for a visit at the end of december.

in the midst of everything i managed to turn 28. the internet connection exists like a mirage (japanese bureaucracy is a force to contend with) and my KFC chicken (two pieces only) came belated, but three stalks of roses in my mailbox made me a very happy woman. last year's birthday was literally spent counting my blessings. friends and family remembered the occasion through messages and email, and it was a great source of comfort knowing that i wasnt forgotten by everyone back home.

earlier this week i was watching an NHK special about Coming-of Age Day (12th january). the programme featured the owner of a photo studio in Kobe struggling to cope with the immediate aftermath of the 1995 Hanshin earthquake.

the quake struck just after the annual coming-of-age ceremony for youths in japan who officially turn 20 that year, and the studio owner was struggling to deliver the developed prints to the girls who had patronised his studio to take commemorative photos in their ceremonial kimono.

what began as a obligatory task to deliver photographs to his customers soon developed into a dedicated mission of sorts when the studio owner realised that most of his customers' physical addresses had been reduced to piles of rubble by the earthquake. the studio owner doggedly trundled across all the relief centres he knew on bicycle, and with every girl he managed to locate and deliver the pictures to, he would write the words "無事" (safe and sound) against her name scribbled in his notebook.

in total, there were 84 girls who patronised his studio that year. the owner managed to locate each and every girl and accounted for their safety.

ten years on and the studio owner decided to revisit his own memories of the quake by offering to take free studio shots of the 84 girls he encountered in 1995, although only 8 women responded to a poster he pasted on his shop window. those 8 women talked about how they got by after losing their loved ones and physical belongings after the disaster, and how the past ten years had been for them. the programme ended with this question to the viewer:

「この10年間、あなたはいかが過ごしましたか？」 ("How have you lived the past ten years of your life?")

ten years ago i was 18 and freshly enrolled into university. i knew not a word of the japanese language and life was just beginning to open its doors to me.

in the time that has passed since then i have made both the best and worst decisions of my life, fallen down hard on my knees, known some of the best people that have since continued to colour my days and experienced the immense joys and sadness of being in love.

ten years on and i am possibly headed in a direction completely different from the one i had imagined for myself back when i was 18. there is, of course, little point in asking myself if it is a path towards the better, and i wouldnt want to compromise the situation of things by turning this exercise of retrospection into one tinged with regret over the things i did or didnt do.

that being said, i hope i did the 18-year-old Me proud. i hope she can look at the Me now and be heartened that i have crafted her life into something less ordinary, something of meaning.

in year 2009 i have a few other resolutions along with the compulsory ones about writing a good thesis and scoring a good job. they are, in no particular order:

1. to think before i speak, to say only the things that matter and keep silent on the things that dont.

2. to take better care of myself, both physically and emotionally. (this sounds like a joke, but moisturizing my skin is of utmost importance this year.)

3. to learn how to convey my emotions to the people who matter.

4. to readily and openly admit my mistakes and wrongdoings and learn to say sorry without feeling sore about it.

All I Want for My Birthday Is...

1) A bucket of KFC (imagine 8 pieces of lovingly fried chicken!)

2) Internet at home.

never have my birthday wishes been simpler.

Playing Mommy

So people ask me what I've been busy with.

meet tenma, a bouncing 9 and a half kilo baby boy with two very cute dimples and huge eyes. i played mommy for all of two nights when i met his mom for dinner, but really, raising a kid in japan is a whole load of trouble.

wakko's now based in tokyo, and because her husband works crazy hours she finds herself alone with tenma most of the time. last week she upped and escaped to okinawa for a short break when childraising proved too stressful. maybe it's because my friends in singapore are still mostly single, but i really havent seen a mother as devoted as she is. makes me wonder what kind of mother i might turn out to be.

the plus side of being a mother? beautifully sculpted biceps from carrying a baby as heavy as two sacks of rice all day, not to mention hoisting a baby bag and pram up and down the stairs of tokyo's mommy-unfriendly train stations.

here's tema's real mommy:

The 29th Ken Matsuri

And so the boy turned 29.

one of his friends who was guest spinning at an event decided to turn the gig into a birthday party, and there was even a homemade birthday cake, which reminded me of how M&M graciously turned up with lovingly made cakes two years in a row when ken was in singapore.

more than how ken's good frends rallied to throw him a party, ken's birthday made me very happy because almost everyone present had a piece of good news to share.

sam completed his master's and is finally working towards his doctorate.

nishime, yuuki's boyfriend and ken's closest buddy, has decided to enter politics and run in his native ward. elections are up next february and yuuki tells me that if he gets elected they will finally be able to move in together. the couple have been dating for six years and honestly, i havent met a couple more infatuated with each other so i really hope nishime makes it work this time. itching to chip in, i volunteered to help out in the campaign so maybe i might end up standing by the street corner waving to motorists during the election.

ryota is headed to tokyo by next year to fulfill his ambition of becoming a dealer, and he tells me he actually tried to get his foot in the door by buying stocks of an oil company he was keen to work for.

that boy eventually got called up for an interview.

takenori is gaining weight from a seemingly blissful new relationship and now even his smiles look and feel a lot different.

here are some snapshots from the party:

takenori and sam

clockwise from top: takenori, sam, ken, ryota, nishime and yuuki

Tabloid Fodder

Congratulations Miss Agnes Lin.

now just about every singaporean with access to internet knows exactly how silly you really are.

of course your comments have been misquoted and taken out of context by the sunday times, but then again, boo hoo.

stupidity really knows no bounds.

The Nagging Feeling

Think I am on a blogging roll today.

am tuned into yahoo music right now and came across this new video from beyonce. maybe the song's already getting heavy airplay back home, but i have no means of telling.

sometimes i really do feel like how the song goes.

and somehow when i was looking at pictures from the wedding, i couldnt shake the nagging feeling that maybe it wouldnt be happening to me.

To Teresa and Alvin

Hope the lovebirds are loving Paris.

it was a supreme shame that i couldn't be there for the wedding (every inch of me was dying to be teleported back to singapore though) but i saw the pictures and i know it must have been wonderful because i am having this nice, warm, fuzzy feeling inside right now.

the bride was completely stunning. elegant gown with a simple veil, a lovely pair of earrings and her trademark smile.

i have always loved teresa for her calm and tranquility. her feathers get ruffled every once and again, but she rarely has anything unkind to say about the people around her. the first time i saw her in my japanese tutorial lesson, i thought she was beautiful.

if i were alvin i'd be feeling like the biggest man on earth too.

congratulations my dears! between the two of you i see the miracles that love can do. and now, life can only get better and sweeter.

here are some pictures from the wedding:

the very creative poem alvin was made to write for his bride.

Life's Biggest Questions Part One

I think I am suffering from premature dementia.

in the past two months i have succeeded in:

1. misplacing my birthday ring
2. losing my ATM card
3. leaving the key to the naha apartment in the rental car i was driving
4. forgetting my phone a grand total of four times

this is so not me. could this be a sign of deteriorating brain activity?

hoping for some brain stimulation, i have decided to ponder some of life's biggest questions.

1. why do japanese men shave their eyebrows?
2. why are so many japanese ladies bow-legged?
3. why do bus and train drivers in japan speak in nasal tones?

Hm.

Life's Greatest Mysteries Part One

It's 30 degrees in Okinawa but I guess it must be snowing somewhere on campus because I am surrounded by girls decked out in autumn/winter gear.

of my years living in japan, i can never seem to get over how the girls here dress. no doubt that the japanese ladies are extremely in tune with the biggest fashion trends, but the way they adhere so strictly (to the point of being fastidious) to the seasons and the dictations of fashion magazines borders on mild insanity.

i was stepping out of the library togged in a singlet, jeans and slippers when this girl in knee-high boots, a knit dress and a thick scarf breezed past me. there i was, squinting under the glare of the sun and debating whether i should use an umbrella when she trotted up the stairs in her getup.

if we were right in the middle of winter (which is pretty mild in okinawa by the way), i would have given her outfit an appreciative second glance. but of course all she got from me was my slack jaw.

no matter the actual temperature outdoors, the japanese fashion bible requires its followers to dress according to the months of the calendar. if it is the end of september, you'd have to eschew the shorts and slippers for thick jackets and boots. you may sweat under your scarf but there is no way you can commit the fashion faux pas of not following the seasons. likewise, even if you are trembling from the cold in 8-degree sapporo in april, it is necessary that you wear your flowery spring skirts and thin cardigans. why? because the calendar says it's already spring!

and then there are the gladiator sandals (big hit this summer but it made everyone's legs look stumpy) and spandex tights under denim mini skirts and shorts, along with suspenders intentionally left unbuckled on one side. i simply dont get it. whatever happened to "wear what you look good in" or just plain old common sense?

as for me, i shall stick to my singapore getup until the thermometer tells me it's time to step into my boots.

A Hallmark Moment

We were driving home from Okinawa City when I experienced a Hallmark moment.

it had been raining and traffic was heavy, and as we passed Chatan we came across a car that had ran up against the central divider. the young female driver must have been speeding when she skidded on the rain-slicked road, but apart from badly tousled hair she didnt appear to have suffered any injury.

one by one passing cars slowed on both sides of the roads and the drivers got out, hurrying to the scene of the accident. at first i couldnt really comprehend what was going on, but ken motioned me to stop and promptly alighted as well.

by then the crowd of people had swelled significantly and everyone had their hands on the car, struggling to heave it back onto the road.

i havent been driving for very long so i dont know if this happens a lot, but the spontaneous way in which these drivers came together to help really warmed my heart.

then i began to wonder if singaporeans would do the same, because at times i feel that we tend to hold back when help is required. singaporeans are supremely generous when it comes to charity events and television fundraisers, but somehow we seem to lack the spontaneity it takes to lend a helping hand. perhaps it's because we fear the possible rejection and embarrassment, but the incident last night reminded me that giving help is really about a natural instinct to make things better.

A Little Ray of Light

Straight As.

Can I?

Sometimes I too wish that I could punch the lights out of Ken.

Make his nose bleed the way my heart does. Kick him in the groin so hard tears like the ones i shed flow. make him the target of my frustrations the way he makes me his emotional punching bag.

sadly the weekend wasnt better than last wednesday. there's something about stupidly thinking that things couldnt get any worse, and then you realise that hell really has no bottom.

maybe he is singularly incapable of love. by that i mean he is probably not one who would willingly put aside his pain to address the needs of others.

just as jac said, in ken's universe you play by his rules. if the king says you must, you simply have to. no ifs, no buts, no nos.

i probably should be living on another planet.

last night i began to consider the option of moving out on my own. to be honest the thought of having to move again is enough to scare me into postponing my decision, but i didnt come all the way here to be bullied.

it is unsettling when i find myself unwilling to think about the steps i ought to be taking to solve the problem, and i know that a good part of me is still stubbornly wishing that things will eventually get better on their own.

dont get me wrong, this is not a break up. this is, however, something close to a desperate situation so i have to consider an equally desperate measure. i know i ought to keep the channels of communication open and keep talking until i solve the problem, but i dont know how to. for some reason my eloquence falls ten notches whenever i try to bare my soul to ken.

i know i probably said this a hundred million times, but i am tired of hoping that he might come to love me the way i should be loved, and i am so sick of being treated like some old nagging hag he married 40 years ago when we've only just begun our life together two months ago.

i love this man but i dont know how long i can keep doing this. i have this fear that all the good would be eaten out of me and one fine day i would just turn completely brittle and bitter.

本当に報われない。

My Girls

I think I need my girls more than ever right now.

the car overheated again yesterday so i went to the carpark armed with a bottle of water. took me some time to figure out how to pry open the hood, and i got so confused with the tangle of wires and engine parts that i resorted to stopping a family out on their evening walk for help.

i dont need a man. now i know what to do when my car overheats.

i had everything prepared for dinner when he suddenly tells me he's made an appointment with a friend. suddenly i didnt feel like i wanted to stay at home waiting for him to come home.

i packed a toothbrush, my pyjamas, a change of clothing and a bath towel and called two of my friends. they didnt pick up the phone. i decided to leave the house anyway.

the 20 minutes or so that i spent driving in the car waiting for someone to return my call were probably my loneliest in a long time.

to the dear girl who readily agreed to take me in for the night, you're my girl.

to the rest of my girls, this is for you. i am far away and not by your sides, but know that i am always there for you. and i know you girls will do the same for me.

i dont need a man. i have my girls.

The Brewing Storm

A huge typhoon's about to hit Okinawa I think. The rain's beating down mercilessly as I write this, so chances are the trip to an offshore island that Ken and I planned for this weekend would probably be fried. Bummer.

i'd better blog about what happened over the weekend lest i let self-comforting thoughts get the better of me in a couple of days. it always happens, especially when particularly bad shit hits the fan. sometimes i wonder if it isnt some weird mechanism designed to keep me wired to things that hurt the most.

anyway, i recently realised with shock and horror that i have almost nothing physical to my name here in okinawa. i live in ken's apartment (my name is not registered because we're not married), i drive his mom's car and i have only 4,000 sing dollars in savings. my family's not with me, and neither are most of my closest friends.

what would i do if my relationship expires on me? i would literally be forced to push my suitcases out on the streets.

possibly a kind-hearted soul would take me in while i try to pick up the pieces of my life, but the horror that i am now dependent on another person for basic things like transport and shelter made me very very uncertain.

in clearer language, it makes walking away from ken (if the need arises in future, i dunno) a lot harder to do.

ashamed as i am to say it, i started crying and couldnt stop. when the tears eventually ran out, i took my red-rimmed self and a mortified ken to dinner.

Goreng Goreng Gone...

This is really of no consequence to anyone or anything but I am DYING for a bite (okay, maybe more than just one) of some goreng pisang.

i would give up the nail on my little toe to sink my teeth into a fat, oily, sweet piece of fried banana right now.

ooh, and while i'm at it i might have myself a sticky slice of fried nian2 gao1! can't remember the last time i ate it.

boo hoo. i miss singapore.

The Pissed Sheep

I have never sought to place my needs above his. in fact, i always thought my relationship was more about giving him and his needs priority.

i send him to work. i pick him up from work. i make him lunch (well, most of the time). i iron his clothes. i clean the house. i pay for the groceries. i do the laundry.

to be accused of only thinking for myself was like a hard slap to my face.

and yet, when things get to such a point i always feel as if i am in no position to defend myself. his accusations come fast and furious, and his words never fail to hit where it hurts the most.

one sentence and everything becomes exposed in the harsh light of day. a few words was all it took to make my heart feel like it's been trampled upon and put through a grinder.

I am Famous! (Well, Not Quite...)

Let's preserve this for posterity.

my first ever attempt at Photoshop! (actually my younger-than-me-senior did most of the work but it's a small difference.)

the good people decided i needed some plugging for my blog, so they taught me to design this website banner. and i added in japanese text as well so that the site users could figure out what i was talking about.

the banner went public yesterday and immediately the number of hits dramatically increased. and i'm getting comments from other bloggers!

the wonders of advertising.

p.s. to mich: thank you for posting my first ever comment! : )

Kudos to Xiaxue

After blogging full-time for two days I am beginning to wonder how professional bloggers like Xiaxue cope with having to come up with topics and soundbites witty and eye-catching enough for the fickle internet community.

thought i might find the internship a breeze because all i had to do was to create blog entries by translating material from existing staff blogs and adding in stuff of my own, but this is a lot tougher than i imagined. then there this imminent fear of not generating enough reads or hits. my younger-than-me senior at work politely suggested that i search for some singapore-based blog rankings, which promptly sent me scuttling to heed his instructions.

tried ping.com and it actually helps to pull in the readers, although i didnt register this blog on the ranking site. serious bloggers might want to give it a shot though.

another thing i realised was how allergic i've become of working in an office (read: DESKBOUND JOB). initially i actually thought half a year of battling the books might start to make office work appear attractive again, but after my first day i was ready to reconsider my options for the future. more grad school perhaps? or maybe i should get married and have kids? or why not be adventurous and start a business?

on the bright side, at least they arent strict about surfing the internet (because everything can be explained in the name of work, even this). and i'm thankful that i dont have to bow all the time or pick up phonecalls and take messages in high-pitched business japanese.

maybe after a few more days i might start feeling like xiaxue does?