Note to Self

2013 has come and gone, and we've all succeeded in rolling over into a new year.

this year i won't be making any (lofty/ambitious/unrealistic) promises or resolutions, but i would really want to remind myself to love my family.
put more specifically, to love each and every one of my near and dear ones as equally as possible.

put even more specifically, to love my husband every day of our days together and not have the daily grind eat away at the foundation that was us, before JJ came into the picture.

the married-with-kids will probably know what I'm getting at.

once a baby comes into the picture, a husband is somehow relegated to the bench.
he becomes the one-with-the-heavy-diaper-bag, the why-arent-you-doing-as-much-as-i-am part of the marriage.

it's all very sad, so i swore to myself when i was pregnant that i won't be one of those who ended up relentlessly picking on her husband post-baby.

but i fell into the same rut.
i would very much like to blame it on my changing body shape, postpartum hormones, the fact that we now have a screaming infant in the house, but there really isn't a good enough reason for constantly finding fault with your own husband.

i realised how monstrous i had become last christmas, when i was searching for JJ's lost sock and my eyes wandered over to the foot of the christmas tree, where ken had left a present for me.

i used to be the one with the surprises, but last year, i bought ken's birthday gift 5 months ahead and handed it to him at the shop register, and i neither planned nor did anything for our wedding anniversary and christmas.
i became icy and snappy, and ken was made the convenient victim of all my thorns and prickles.
the baby had become the excuse for my forgetting our marriage, and his gift made me remember.

it reminded me that we existed before JJ, and our love is the reason why JJ ever made it into the picture in the first place.

so this year, this monster of a wife will try to be nicer. there will be no equating the number of times he changes JJ's diaper to how much he loves me. there will also be no faulting him for not being home more because of work.

and if the husband wants five eggs in his breakfast omelette, so be it.

Fleeting

It's 12.30am and he just fell asleep in my arms.

the husband is away at work so it's just me and the bub for the night. the lights on the Christmas tree are twinkling, and the television turned down low. I see the soft rise and fall of his chest, the gentle flutter of his eyelids as he finds his way into deeper sleep.

he feels both light and heavy at the same time cradled in my hands. how soon it has been, he has already turned two months old. I remember those trying first nights when I wished he would grow up faster so that I would have it easier and be able to have more uninterrupted hours of sleep.

funny but now I am already missing him as a newborn. I wish it could always be just us both, him small enough to fit in my hands and always looking up at me with that disarming toothless smile of his.

very soon his tiny hands will no longer be mine exclusively to hold, his head will no longer seek my chest for comfort. his legs will grow strong and wander into the world beyond and away from me.

and that day will come sooner than I think. so let me always remember tonight, with the fairy lights and the way you look and the way we are.

it won't always be this way, you and me. how fleeting this all really is.

goodnight my dear, and see you in the morning.

Saying Hello All Over Again

I can't believe it's been so long.

in my long absence life remained pretty much the same, although

some old friendships were strengthened and renewed while others quietly faded into the past
a few old mindsets gave way to a set of new perspectives
i put into action the thoughts in my head and co-started a store in japan
and then another in singapore a year later

and now, our family of two has become three.

meet JJ.

life has changed indefinitely. some changes are good, others not so.
but the richness of the experience has taught and moved me in ways i never expected.

there really is a greater love.

Long Overdue

We've been married for four months but our wedding pictures only arrived in the mail this week.

it's a small shame not being able to look at the photographs at the height of our nuptial glow, but we had fun trawling through the pictures anyway.

ken and i arent the posey-posey sort, so we decided to forgo the de-rigueur pre-wedding photo shoot in favour of a short picture-taking session after the wedding (considering how we were blanching at some of the poses our photographer had us do during the shoot, i'd say that was probably a very good move).

surprisingly though, most of the posed shots turned out pretty okay. here are a few of my favourites:

Married (Again)!!

So now you are no longer registered as a swinging single in Japan.

the day we got married all over again at the city office.

Saving Lives

To prepare for the father-in-law's eventual discharge from hospital, the entire family was herded to a lifesaver's course yesterday.

while ken's dad is out of the woods, he remains susceptible to cardiac failure. although we have indicated to doctors our intention to care for ken's father at home, the hospital reminded us that we'd have to do so with the knowledge that an episode similar to what took place last month might happen again with little or no forewarning. so in the case of an emergency, the family would have to function as the first and most crucial source of medical aid.

under the watchful eyes of ken's father (who sat in for the course), we were briefed on the proper way to call for an ambulance and given a demonstration on administering CPR. we even had a go at the AED (automatic external defibrilator). if ken's dad had been a plastic CPR doll, he'd have come back to life no less than 8 times in an afternoon.

there's something very heartwarming about ken's 83 year-old grandfather as he listens intently to the nurse, carefully taking notes. the man is still very light on his feet despite his age, but performing CPR for a full 2 minutes at a go is no mean feat even for me, let alone for a tiny old man tasked with caring for a person 20 years his junior.

there are still many things we have yet to figure out. like fitting everyone's schedules so that ken's dad will not be left alone at home, or applying for the right kinds of public health insurance and inquiring about day care and home nursing.

but i'm sure we will get there. for now, i am really liking my new family.

our kit for the day:

the family being briefed on the importance of CPR:

ken's dad watches on intently:

ken's mom giving mouth-to-mouth:

ken and his grandfather's turn to try:

Life's Curveballs

Just when I was thinking of writing about death and mortality, it happened.

it's odd really, sometimes how things take place.
my mom used to tell me that when she was much younger, she was so busy with caring for the family that she never had the time to worry about her own health and well-being. now that we're all grown though, she finds herself having to come to terms with her own mortality and the fact that she is growing old.

i think it is when people find something that they want to live for that they start worrying about dying. that we are mere mortal flesh is fearful because that means the things that we yearn and live for can be taken away from us with a very sudden and unfortunate stroke of fate.

that thought struck home two mondays ago.

it was close to midnight and we had been spending the night quietly in front of the television when his mom called with the news.

ken's father had woken up to go to the bathroom when his heart suddenly failed. my mother-in-law frantically called for an ambulance and ken's brother, who works in a hospice, performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while they waited for help to arrive. the medics had to revive ken's father with an external defibrillator because his heart had stopped beating.

memories of ken's grandmother dying suddenly from a stroke kept coming to mind as i drove us to the hospital, because ken was in singapore when it happened and he couldnt make it back home in time to see her.

before we were allowed to see ken's father in ER the doctors kept telling us they werent sure if he could be saved. they told us his pulse was wildly irregular, that of the three arteries grafted in a bypass some 8 years ago two had failed. they reminded us of his father's medical history (he was born with a heart condition) and asked if we would allow them to attach him to a life support machine.

the main problem with going ahead with life support is that once a patient is placed on it, they cannot be taken off it because of Japanese laws prohibiting euthanasia. in the event that patients fail to recover or lose all brain activity, their lives would inevitably be prolonged for an indeterminate period of time through life support.

all of this information was presented to us by no less that three doctors while ken's father remained in ER. we asked for time to think about the possibilities and implications, but werent allowed the luxury of thinking the situation through given the circumstances.

ken and his family eventually decided that saving his father was ultimately more important that the fear of unwittingly prolonging his suffering in the future, and so the decision was made in favour of life support.

i have never seen the going-ons inside an emergency room, and being face-to-face with a loved one on the brink of death and fighting for life is something i can find no words to describe. there were tubes attached all over his frail body, and a hole had been cut at the side of his neck to drain liquid accumulating in his lungs.

over the next four days, we took turns to keep vigil as ken's father floated in and out of consciousness. we talked to him and held his hand, played his favourite music, had his old friends come visit.

ken's dad is now back in a normal ward and for now, things are looking good. although his heart had stopped when he collapsed at home, little damage was done to the brain, a fact doctors attribute to ken's quick-thinking family and timely medical attention.

over that week i realised a few important things about life and family. though unfortunate, what happened to ken's father brought the family closer together. i was deeply touched by how everyone kept their spirits up and their hopes high, and even in the most trying of times, we all remembered to laugh and make light of the situation. most of all, i realised that you can really make someone better just by being that one thing worth living for.

出嫁咯！！

It turned out to be the best day of my life.

despite the many hiccups, to me everything was perfect. we ate, drank, danced, sang, laughed and cried. i never knew that so much love could ever exist in one place at one time.

how sweet it is to be loved by so many people. i should be so lucky.

------------------

Preparing the table gifts and favour boxes for the all-important favour cake:

Favour cake boxes with the monogram stickers that i had specially printed:

The final touch - ribbons:

Then finally, ta-daa! My very own handmade 5-tier favour cake!!

Collecting our marriage documents from ROM. Somehow we were both really nervous:

An hour after the wedding - me and his grand foot:

I didnt eat a thing at the reception so it was a relief to finally sit down to a quiet meal with ken:

Him with his ah pek t-shirt and "i'm so gonna drink" pose:

On the way to the wedding after-party (my bro's in the background):

Breakfast the morning after at the Tiffin Room:

Ken wearing my glasses cos he forgot his overnight bag:

Him trying very hard to channel Tony Leung:

The Tiffin Room:

The sumptuous Christmas tree at the hotel lobby:

Checking out:

The Road Thus Travelled

I literally sacrificed my twenties to this man.

now that we're one month away from becoming husband and wife, i want to thank you.

for all the years of laughter, tears, joy and sadness.
with you i have the bitter and the sweet.
everything else will just be the icing on the cake.


Year 2003


Year 2004


Year 2005


Year 2006


Year 2007


Year 2008

Year 2009


Year 2010

How far we've come.

チャットモンチー＆蒼井 優 「バスロマンス」

私たちは、今までいつもそれぞれ違う乗り物に乗ってきたね。
お互いを、たくさん待っていたし、すれ違いだって何度もあった。
それは決して平坦な道ではなかったよね。
時々切なく、時々心細く、そして報われなく思ったことさえあった。

だけどさ、イヤなことを全て含めてあなたに出逢ったことを感謝している。
いいことも、悪いことも、あなたと一緒なら全てが楽しく感じるから。

これからは、二人でずっとずっと同じバスに乗って行こうね。
同じ出発点から同じ目的地まで。
あなたとの永遠の遠足を楽しみにしているよ。

The Bridezilla VS the Budding Groom

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not quite the bridezilla I made myself out to be.

yes, i can fork out almost 16 dollars for a Brides magazine and without taking any of the "what bride are you?" quizzes available online, i instinctively know that i'm what they might term "a classic bride". i know which colour palette to use for my wedding and i already have theme shades all carefully thought out for the reception.

march-in song? check.
guest entertainment? double check.
customised invitation cards, escort cards and wedding favour boxes? hell YES.

but when it came to my gown, i sold out after five shops and three days of shopping. i'd always thought that i would scour every single bridal boutique in singapore before deciding on The Dress, but really, every gown you try on does fade into whitewash after five minutes. and before you know it, you find yourself trooping back to the first store and buying that very first dress you tried on (well, not quite the case for me but close).

but while i come to terms with my broken ambitions as a bridezilla, it's very heartening to know that the man is experiencing a transition that is quite simply the opposite of mine.

he was never one to believe in marriage. for a long period of time i was worried that it wasnt on the cards for the both of us. but then he came around and made it happen. and i know he did it for me.

now that he has slowly warmed up to the idea of having a wedding in singapore, he is beginning to partake in the fun of preparing for it. he's excited about the wedding bands, he's asking me if he should tailor a suit and he's thinking of all the people he should invite to the reception.

and now, it seems that we might actually have one in okinawa afterall.

it means so much to me that he's enjoying the process because it's finally starting to feel like we're doing this together. and for that, i'm more than ready to let go of my bridezilla tendencies, because it's always more important to have a groom who is ready to step into his new shoes.

The Question

To which my answer was "Yes".

my heart didn't skip a beat and my breath didnt catch in my throat. to be honest, i had been given a plain vanilla option and it was even a little disappointing.

but i awoke the next morning to the joy and comfort of knowing that this man would always be mine to have. and then suddenly it felt as if all i've ever wanted was to see my name next to his surname, to wear his ring on my finger, to refer to him as my husband in front of my family and friends.

i can hardly wait.

Waiting

You know things are getting out of hand when:

1. you find yourself holding your breath even when there really isnt anything exciting happening.

2. everytime he calls your name, you reply with an overly-pregnant "YES?"

3. you keep checking your diary for all the possible dates that you might be asked The Question.

4. you find yourself seriously considering the amazing bridal photo shoot package your friend just went for.

5. you have this urge to wring his neck and scream "WHEN? WHEN? WHEN???" everytime you see his face.

this is SO stupid.

False Alarm

Over the phone last night, he asked me what size I was.

my heart skipped a beat, my breath caught in my throat and the joy in my voice became openly discernible.

turns out he saw a coat in a vintage store and wanted to buy it for me, but no, i wasnt a size 10.

all i really wanted to say was: my dear ken, my ring size is a US 6 (but in case it doesnt fit, we can always re-size it?).

i am starting to heap all my eggs in one tiny basket once again, despite the constant reminders to myself not to do so.

on a lighter note, i went looking for my graduation kimono (hakama) last week and i'm pretty happy with what i picked.

Em from Thailand and I: