We're Famous!

Imagine my surprise when I saw this on TV.

five old japanese men collectively known as SMAP (one of the biggest boybands in japan) having a good time at our very own MBS.

smap shot a series of commercials (four in total i think) in singapore for softbank, one of japan's fastest growing cellular phone companies thanks to their monopoly over the sale of iphones in japan, cheap subscription plans and ads featuring a white dog as the father of a very dysfunctional family.

watch for the end of the commercial...the merlion gets turned into mr. white dog!



here's another one:



and here's one of the white dog and his off-kilter family:

PAP Economics

The fever swirling around GE has begun to die down, but here I am getting all riled up.

the following equation is from a man who graduated with a first-class honours degree in economics (incidently, he also possesses an M.A. in development economics):

Unhappiness + Others who are happier = Net Happiness

a formula coined by sm goh chok tong in response to concerns raised by singaporeans with regards to the (over)heated property market and the policies of hdb.

in sm goh's words:

"for those who missed out, who can't buy this, can't upgrade and so on, they are really feeling the unhappiness. question is, was the policy good? unhappiness plus those who are happier, in total there's net happiness. there's no such thing called total happiness. i mean, don't believe in it. it's whether we can create net happiness in all of this."

for the old man's sake i really hope what he meant to say was that the government cant please everyone with their policies.

but to the untrained ear, it really sounded as if our ex-PM was telling us to build our happiness on the misfortunes of our fellow citizens, to wise up and not expect to have everything that we want. that we can only be marginally happy at best.

sm goh's remarks naturally resonated with many singaporeans, some of whom were so inspired that they proceeded to make a song out of his words:




funny but i never learnt about the economics of net happiness in school before leh.

Budding Addiction

Meet Serena Stone, budding fashion stylist.




one mention in vogue was all it took to pique my curiosity. i think fans of online shopping may already know shopstyle.com for its extensive range of designer labels, but what really got me going was the stylebook application that allows you to pull any item available on their website to create your own personal look.

before i knew it, i was adding giuseppe shoes, throwing on stella mccartney jackets and spritzing prada perfume (all virtually of course, but still very very fun nonetheless), and this - ladies and ladies, is the very first look that i came up with.

this could well become an all-consuming addiction. maybe i'll try to control myself by creating just one look a day?

Technical Update

Been having one too many blogwalkers spamming the comment box these days so I decided to remove it altogether from the page.

it's going to take a little more trouble leaving comments from now on, but at least we'll be free from spam : )

well, hopefully.

Fit For Royalty

The Dress has been revealed.

not to brag, but i had a feeling that sarah burton would be designing it (okay, there have been reports of leaked information from alexander mcqueen that kate middleton was very keen on having burton design her wedding gown after she saw the dress burton designed for tom parker bowles' bride in 2005), since it would have been the best way to pay homage to one of britain's most shining beacons of fashion.

perhaps the duchess of cambridge's choice was cemented by burton's first womenswear collection for alexander mcqueen last fall, which i thought brought some much-needed reprive and sensibility to mcqueen's satorial antics.

two thumbs up for burton, who succeeded in not only inheriting the best elements of the fashion industry's enfant terrible, but also designing a beautiful, timeless gown that is truly fit for a queen.

the duchess's choice may have been a tad conservative, but i liked that she didnt overdo any of the dress details or go with a ridiculous 10m long train. and the veil was simply elegant.

kind of reminds me of grace kelly's gown though, which to me is still the best wedding dress ever.





however, what really caught my attention was the long column sheath worn by pippa middleton, which was also designed by burton. simple, form-fitting, understated - now that's what i call a dress!

To Feel Good

I think music nowadays has become disposible.

with the advent of the digital music movement, along with mp3s and ipods, people tend not to listen to the same things too often. play something you've downloaded cheaply off itunes five times and you're ready to buy a new tune online again.

and so to cater to fickle consumers, music factories have had to churn out more artistes, more songs and more albums just to keep up.

jay-z calls them "auto-tunes", and i think i'll have to agree. there are less golden melodies and more forgettable white noise dominating the airwaves these days.

i miss the days when i made my own mixed tapes, and when i mulled over which cd to buy because they were too expensive for a 15 year old.

some feel-good songs that you hardly hear on the radio these days:

Lenny Kravitz, "It Ain't Over Til It's Over" (and here he is, looking incredibly good in this live performance)



Mark Morrison, "Return of the Mack"



The Cranberries, "Linger" (i can still remember all of the lyrics!)



East 17, "Deep" (i loved east 17 before i ever began to like take that. my idea of the best boy band from england.)



PM Dawn, "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" (i think i only ever liked spandau ballet's "true" because of this song)



ah, the simple bliss of nostalgia.

Of Cubs and Hindi Movies

Of late, the mood has been sombre.

cherry blossoms are close to blooming but this year, people are worried about celebrating in the face of misery and suffering.

to lift spirits (and also perhaps in line with media guidelines in times of crisis), there's been a bumper crop of light-hearted variety programmes showing evergreen song specials and funny video clips.

here are two that really made me laugh out loud:

this little cub, abandoned at birth by his mother, is terribly shy and doesn't quite mix well with others. watch what happens when zookeepers place him with other animals in a bid to help overcome his fear.



always wondered what will happen if you match a hindi movie dance sequence to a traditional japanese marching band song? here's a video to satisfy that curiosity of yours:

Back Home

And finally over with the pack-unpack, pack-unpack routine of the past months.

with the bathroom and shower freshly scrubbed of months of misuse and neglect while i was away, the apartment properly cleaned and the transition from "just living together" to "married" complete, i am enjoying my downtime trawling the internet while listening to 91.3.

thank goodness for live streaming. because now even though i'm a couple thousand miles away, i can still have the comfort of knowing that ECP is experiencing bottleneck traffic because of road works on the extreme right lane just after the bedok north exit. and oh, how i've missed the american twang of our local deejays' english!

this is just a very random update, but after reading the sybarite's rave about it and using it for my wedding, i decided that this was the best way to go:

i am past 30, but somehow my skin still behaves like an overly excited teenager. every now and then huge angry zits pay me a visit and my eyelids are so oily that NOTHING stays. not even those cream-type eyeshadows or waterproof mascara. so while most of the world happily traipse about with thick kohl-lined eyes and fluttering mascara-tinged eyelashes, i have had to contend to just nothing on my eyes because anything that i apply will just find itself deposited at the bottom rims of my eyes like dark rings in a matter of hours.

until now, that is!

i've heard more than a few good things about Majolica Majorca, a japanese line of cosmetics best known for their eye make-up. their mascara regularly makes the top spot in the beauty product rankings of japanese fashion magazines and they are also the brand of choice of those hip fashion queens in shibuya.

despite its huge popularity however, the brand is still considered a pharmaceutical-line product and goes for cheap in japan (1,260 yen).

which of course, only gives me more reason to give it a go.

majolica majorca has three types of mascara and a brush-on colourless lash base, all with equally confounding english names and all aimed at doing different things for your peepers such as adding length to pumping volume to creating the illusion of thick lashes.

i tried the "lash expander frame plus" mascara and am pleased as punch to report the following:

1. Definitely oil-proof! Does not smudge.

2. Has a wonderful two-way applicator that is easy to use for mascara dummies like me. Also prevents clumping and over-application.

3. Instantly adds length. It's really amazing watching your lashes grow longer upon application because the mascara contains fibre wigs that attach themselves to your real lashes, making them look longer.

4. It really looks natural!

So yes, with this glowing report card Majolica Majorca has earned a place in my personal beauty book of favourites.

Next stop eyeliner!!

The Final Day

"The beginning of wisdom is in the discovery that there exists contradictions of permanent tension with which it is necessary to live and that it is above all not necessary to seek to resolve."

Andre Gorz

Farewell to the Proletariat

Here we find ourselves, on the very last day of 2010.

at the beginning of the year i was joking to everyone that my year would be complete once i'd finished writing my thesis in mid-january.

but then i went and got married in december so the year has turned out to be rather fruitful. in between i spent months preparing for the wedding, working jobs in translation, getting myself in the papers and trying out new things in the kitchen. i reclaimed and renewed some old friendships and cut off a few non-reciprocal ones. i practised honesty with more people and bared my soul to those who matter.

this work-in-progress made some pretty good tread marks this year, i'd say.

together with newfound wisdom upon turning 30, i would like to set the following ideals for 2011:

1. Buy lesser but better

I must train myself to read product labels carefully when i shop. It's not a matter of how much I spend, it's what I am paying for. Let all my bags be real leather and my sweaters be 100% wool instead of acrylic blends. It's probably better that i learn to dress like a real lady as I mature into my 30s. Just because you think you'd probably die without that blouse sitting in your wardrobe doesn't mean that you should compromise by buying it in a size that's not your own. Clothes have to fit right to look right.

2. Care for your eyes, arms and legs

Eye cream for early wrinkles and eye bags. More body lotion for your legs. You moisturized your way through 2010 but you can still do so much better.

3. Exercise

Women who exercise regularly just look better and better as the years go by. That's more than enough incentive to resume yoga and jog more frequently. And lift those dumbbells when you're watching TV!!

4. Don't Think, Just Do

Those half-baked dreams and ambitions brewing in your head? Time to put them into action. That's what exercising your potential really means.

5. Read Better, Know More

No more girlie fiction. Finish reading those academic books you bought off Amazon and devote yourself to books that matter.

6. Translate Your Thesis into English

And get it published somewhere.

7. Work Those Relationships

Stop telling yourself you need to to go OMO because he cannot be trusted/depended on. He needs to own the relationship and be responsible so learn to hand over those reins. You're married now.

A Cold Hard Dose of Reality

Of late, many doses in fact.

That aside, I would like to take the opportunity to have with you a little chat about that particular behavioural syndrome popularly termed "boh sim" here in singapore.

"boh sim" is an expression borrowed from the hokkien dialect that typically describes a state of "having no consideration for others" or "not having the interests of a particular someone at heart". put simply, the term conveys succinctly the subject's state of disappointment or heartbreak at a third person's lack of sensitivity or consideration for said subject and/or specific situation.

last night, i was made the victim of an acute case of boh sim-ness.

the sms informed that she was skipping the wedding because she was going on holiday with her husband from the 17th to the 26th of december. and oh, sorry for telling you so late but we can try to meet up before or after the wedding?

i was livid.

for the benefit of my readers , let us go through the reasons why i felt unimportant, looked-over and abandoned by the news.

1. she chose a holiday with her husband over my wedding.

2. she failed to rsvp, despite my mentioning on the invitation that guests should rsvp by 13th november.

3. she only told me ONE WEEK to the wedding, which leaves me about 30 milliseconds to call the hotel manager, revise the guest turnout and remove her name from the seating list.

4. she didnt bother to tell me earlier despite the fact that holidays have to be booked WAAAY in advance during a peak travelling period like the month of december.

5. couldn't she have postponed her departure by a day?

6. all i got was a measly sms. if you have to break my heart, at least have the guts to do it over the phone.

granted that we're not fantastically close friends. granted that we havent been contacting each other very often. still, i thought her attendance was a given. that she probably thought it was unnecessary to rsvp since she would definitely be at the wedding come hailstone or tornado.

maybe i am over-equating things here, but sometimes friendships are really worth crap.

The Road Thus Travelled

I literally sacrificed my twenties to this man.

now that we're one month away from becoming husband and wife, i want to thank you.

for all the years of laughter, tears, joy and sadness.
with you i have the bitter and the sweet.
everything else will just be the icing on the cake.


Year 2003


Year 2004


Year 2005


Year 2006


Year 2007


Year 2008

Year 2009


Year 2010

How far we've come.

Exposed

My cyber-stalking tendencies, thrown open to public scrutiny.

moral of the story?
if you are following someone this closely, you either:
1) let them know
2) cover your tracks so they won't ever find out

obviously i did neither and she found me!!

edina, if you're reading this, i want you to know that i'm happy you did. i didnt really have that much fun in secondary school because a lot of people simply assume that you arent made of much just because your grades are pathetic, and some of my best memories from that time are of us in class laughing and talking.

i'd be more than happy to meet up. it's always much much better seeing a person in the flesh than from across a computer screen : )

What's Your Stalking Style?

There's something about watching as people go about their daily affairs.

this smells of voyeurism, but i actually enjoy reading the blogs or FB profiles of people i dont know very well. i mean, the information's all there for the taking, but what's so absorbing about the entire experience is the fact that those people have no idea that i've been catching up (very frequently, no less) on their personal going-ons.

today i stumbled upon the blog (and an extremely active one at that!) of an ex-classmate from secondary school. and she sounds like she hasnt changed the slightest bit since i last saw her some 14 years ago. of course, there are the usual things like work and marriage and the addition of a fat cat, but apart from that she seems to be just the way i remembered her.

the year is 1993 and my classmates are painting banners for the upcoming michael jackson concert at the national stadium. ace of base and pj and duncan rule the airwaves and everyone's favourite radio DJ has to be mark richmond.

the early 90s was the golden age of the pioneering ah lian/ah beng movement. textbooks wrapped in print ads for luxury brands shorn from magazines, valentino paper bags in place of regular school bags, canvas shoes with tucked-in laces, sonia rykiel bags for the girls and long hair combs with sharpened ends for the boys.

she was one of the loudest and most non-conforming girls in class. while that isnt really saying much since we were from a prim-and-proper all-girls' school, to this day i still wonder how her parents let her get away with pencil-thin eyebrows at age 13. she sat in front of me in class so the proximity allowed me access to details of her tea-dance revelling at fire disco and sparks.

not that she would have ever been real friends with me, since i was the one with the geeky gold-rimmed fishbowl glasses and hair with a fringe cut 2 centimetres too high up my forehead. plus the fact that she was the "cool and funky" minah while i was really your typical blend-into-the-wall "guai-guai" chinese girl.

while she has since graduated from her elle shoes and MCM jeans, i was somewhat relieved to find out that her inner minah is still very much alive. she is still loves her labels, although her tastes have become much more expensive with age. and she is still best friends with our class monitress from 1993!

back in secondary school, people like me have always secretly fantasized about being more like the cool girls in class, and i've wondered idly not on a few occasions of how my ex-classmates have progressed since graduation. for that, i'm glad to have found her blog, since it's always a relief to know how the people you used to spent time with are getting along in life.

because really, blessed are the things that dont ever change.

It's Here!!

Overall, I'd say my first foray into online shopping had been successful.

the package came beautifully wrapped with a lovely personalized note. the green tote turned out to be in much better condition than i'd expected, although the yellow clutch was a tad too aged for my liking. but that's a small problem i'm prepared to overlook, since it's always more enjoyable owning something that's a little bit different, with a little bit of a story behind it.

change of topic, but i just finished reading an interview with susan downey in harper's bazaar and i'm thinking that her relationship with actor-with-stormy-past robert downey jr. reads like a love novel, except this story has its feet planted firmly in the ground.

robert downey on meeting his wife:
"i guess the only way to explain it is that i've become more like her. i'm still trying to figure out what happened. whatever i was hungry for when i met susan, i couldn't have known how much more satisfying what i got would be."

susan downey on her connection she shares with her husband:
"there was something magical there, something we couldn't put our finger on. he always says that we became this third thing when we got together - something that neither of us could have become by ourselves - and i think that's true."

makes you wanna go out and become a third thing with someone, and fall in love so hard you quell your doubts and quench all of your restlessness.

Hooked

Unbeknown to most, I have never been a fan of online shopping.

while i love to shop, i suspect i only adore it so much because i enjoy walking into a store, pregnant with anticipation of the potential finds awaiting me. i like running my hands through clothing racks, getting a feel of dress fabrics, opening and closing bag clasps, making trips to the fitting room. most of all, i relish the moment when i pay for my purchases and have my spoils handed to me in a paper bag.

so what would make me temporarily forgo the real shopping experience for a round of prosaic mouse-clicking?

say hello to etsy, an online treasure trove of handmade everythings from little sequinned bags to wooden crockery cupboards. just one try and i was charmed enough to buy these:




the former is a handstitched canary yellow clutch that i think would go very well with my forest green evening gown, while the latter is a vintage leather tote circa 1960 that looks like it's in mint condition. i took the trouble of googling the bag maker, which turned out to be a high-end department store founded in san francisco in the 1920s that went bust in 1984. which only served to pique my curiosity further, since the words "vintage", "now-defunct" and "one piece only", when strung together in a sentence, can only mean one thing: MUST BUY.
am waiting with bated breath for the box that contains my newfound possessions to reach me. if they turn out to be good, you can bet i'll be heading to etsy's for my wedding jewellery!

Just One of Dem Days

Overheard in the office toilet.

Female A (while in cubicle): eh, i think i want to go buy burger later.

Female B (preening in front of the toilet mirror): but you ate burger yesterday wat.

A: yes, but the double cheeseburger was so nice i want to eat again.

B: (laughing) the way you eat burger very funny leh.

A: (joining in with more laughter) yah, i separate the burger and eat one.

B: yah yah yah! you eat the bread first then the pickles then you lick the tomato sauce and eat the cheese-

A: (cutting B off) no lah! i dont eat the cheese separately one! all melt liao how to eat separately?

B: (chuckling)

A: shit.

B: what?

A: i think i got urine infection. drink so much water but nothing come out one.

(me in the other cubicle: ????)

B: huh? what you mean? your pee very yellow ah?

B: (coming out from cubicle) yah lor, i always drink so much water but no urine when i go toilet. then got bubbles somemore...

(women exit toilet.)

in two milliseconds we went from double cheeseburgers to urine infections. super duper.

then on my way home i saw a pair of hormonally-charged teenagers eating each other's faces out at a secluded (but still exposed) corner of the mrt station.

just one of dem days.

The Future of Futenma

An extremely robust argument that echoes my sentiments on the issue of the Futenma relocation. Copyright laws or no, this article deserves to be reproduced in its full glory.

-----------------------------------------
Futenma is undermining Japanese democracy


By DEBITO ARUDOU, The Japan Times

Times are tough for the Hatoyama Cabinet. It's had to backtrack on several campaign promises. Its approval ratings have plummeted to around 20 percent. And that old bone of contention — what to do about American military bases on Japanese soil — has resurfaced again.

The Okinawa Futenma base relocation issue is complicated, and Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama has devoted too much time to a battle he simply cannot win. If the American troops stay as is, Okinawan protests will continue and rifts within the Cabinet will grow. If the troops are moved within Japan, excessive media attention will follow and generate more anti-Hatoyama and anti-American sentiment. If the troops leave Japan entirely, people will grumble about losing American money.

So let's ask the essential question: Why are U.S. bases still in Japan?

One reason is inertia. America invaded Okinawa in 1945, and the bases essentially remain as spoils of war. Even after Okinawa's return to Japan in 1972, one-sixth of Okinawa is technically still occupied, hosting 75 percent of America's military presence in Japan. We also have the knock-on effects of Okinawan dependency on the bases (I consider it a form of "economic alcoholism"), and generations of American entrenchment lending legitimacy to the status quo.

Another reason is Cold War ideology. We hear arguments about an unsinkable aircraft carrier (as if Okinawa is someplace kept shipshape for American use), a bulwark against a pugilistic North Korea or a rising China (as if the DPRK has the means or China has the interest to invade, especially given other U.S. installations in, say, South Korea or Guam). But under Cold War logic including "deterrence" and "mutually assured destruction," the wolf is always at the door; woe betide anyone who lets their guard down and jeopardizes regional security.

Then there's the American military's impressive job of preying on that insecurity. According to scholar Chalmers Johnson, as of 2005 there were 737 American military bases outside the U.S. (an actual increase since the Cold War ended) and 2.5 million U.S. military personnel serving worldwide. What happened to the "peace dividend" promised two decades ago after the fall of the Berlin Wall? Part of it sunk into places like Okinawa.

But one more reason demonstrates an underlying arrogance within the American government: "keeping the genie in the bottle" — the argument that Japan also needs to be deterred, from remilitarizing. The U.S. military's attitude seems to be that they are here as a favor to us.

Some favor. As history shows, once the Americans set up a base abroad, they don't leave. They generally have to lose a war (as in Vietnam), have no choice (as in the eruption of Pinatubo in the Philippines), or be booted out by a dictator (as in Uzbekistan). Arguments about regional balances of power are wool over the eyes. Never mind issues of national sovereignty — the demands of American empire require that military power be stationed abroad. Lump it, locals.

But in this case there's a new complication: The Futenma issue is weakening Japan's government.

Hatoyama has missed several deadlines for a resolution (while the American military has stalled negotiations for years without reprisal), enabling detractors to portray him as indecisive. He's had to visit Okinawa multiple times to listen to locals and explain. Meanwhile, the opposition Liberal Democratic Party claims Hatoyama is reneging on a promise (which is spoon-bitingly hypocritical, given the five decades the LDP completely ignored Okinawa, and the fact that Hatoyama has basically accepted an accord concluded by the LDP themselves in 2006). And now, with Mizuho Fukushima's resignation from the Cabinet, the coalition government is in jeopardy.

Futenma is taking valuable time away from other policies that concern Japan, such as corruption and unaccountability, growing domestic economic inequality, crippling public debts, and our future in the world as an aging society.

As the momentum ebbs from his administration, Hatoyama is in a no-win situation. But remember who put him there. If America really is the world's leading promoter of democracy, it should consider how it is undermining Japan's political development. After nearly 60 years of corrupt one-party rule, Japan finally has a fledgling two-party system. Yet that is withering on the vine thanks to American geopolitical manipulation.

We keep hearing how Japan's noncooperation will weaken precious U.S.-Japan ties. But those ties have long been a leash — one the U.S., aware of how susceptible risk-averse Japan is to "separation anxiety," yanks at whim. The "threatened bilateral relationship" claim is disingenuous — the U.S. is more concerned with bolstering its military-industrial complex than with Asia's regional stability.

In sum, it's less a matter of Japan wanting the U.S. bases to stay, more a matter of the U.S. bases not wanting to leave. Japan is a sovereign country, so the Japanese government has the final say. If that means U.S. forces relocating or even leaving completely, the U.S. should respectfully do so without complaint, not demand Japan find someplace else for them to go. That is not Japan's job.

Yet our politicians have worked hard for decades to represent the U.S. government's interests to the Japanese public. Why? Because they always have.

The time has come to stop being prisoners of history. World War II and the Cold War are long over.

That's why this columnist says: Never mind Futenma. All U.S. bases should be withdrawn from Japanese soil, period. Anachronisms, the bases have not only created conflicts of interest and interfered with Japan's sovereignty, they are now incapacitating our government. Japan should slip the collar of U.S. encampments and consider a future under a less dependent, more equal relationship with the U.S.

The Next Miss Popular

Hello, my name is Serinah and I am in the running to be the next Miss Popular.

i'm participating in a contest that doesnt require me to answer questions about alleviating poverty or promoting world peace. i dont even need to strut the catwalk in my national costume or parade around in a bikini.

but i do need to prove that i am interesting and loved enough to fill 120 seats in a ballroom. which doesnt really seem all that difficult, does it? i mean, other (lesser) mortals have managed, with a great degree of success i might add, to pack more people into even larger venues.

but you see, the theory of relativity presides over such situations. if you have 500 seats, you can invite every other third-tier friend or random hanako or taro you know, with very little need to think about the dynamics of your relationship with such people. the act of extending an invitation in such a situation is not loaded with meaning simply because there is no need to pass your entire social circle through a sift into its various ranks and levels so that you may filter out your inner circle from all of the rest.

when there are only 100 blanks to fill in the guest list however, things begin to take on a bigger meaning. it translates into the necessary selection of a choice few. which also hints at the shock that awaits you when the people you tagged as your "close friends" choose instead to sit on the invitation or reject coming altogether.

and so, here i am gripped with the fear of being treated as the second/third/fourth-tier/unranked friend as i send out save-the-date messages to my potential guests.

i'm really not in it to win. i'm just hoping that people will love me as much as i love them.

Ode to Single Ladies

This is probably very passe, but I chanced upon these videos and i simply HAD to make sure that more people get to see them!

beyonce is smoking hot in this performance. when i was watching it i could only think one thing: her legs. her. LEGS.



check this one out too. i think i'm having a happy overdose of single ladies.



i am so gonna be jay-z when i grow up.

When It Hits The Fan

The lesson I've learnt in the past few weeks:

Shit can fall from anywhere and when you least expect it. And when it does, it usually lands all over the place, soiling your otherwise perfect little life and your fresh-as-white-linen perceptions of the world around you.

just when you think you have everything figured out, crap hits the fan.

maybe it's because they know we can take it. and by "taking it", i mean "sucking it up and making it a non-issue". i might joke that i have a blinking sign in loud neon letters screaming "Shit Here Please" on my forehead, but judging by my past experiences, i might as well have been the person hammering that very signboard onto my own head.

i dont do confrontational. when things go bad, i usually take my bruised feelings with me to bed. when i wake up the next morning, the world will always feel like a slightly better place. i might try to throw a little pity-party by indulging in the "dont-worry-it's-not-you" charity doled out by friends, but i hardly ever make my real feelings known to the one whose words/actions had hit too close to home.

i think it's because i'd never thought being honest about such things would work. feeble attempts in the past have gotten me nowhere. if no one listens, i'd rather keep my feelings to myself than get myself into more trouble. and so the evil cycle continues. i get crapped on, i clean up the ensuing mess, i get crapped on again. it has happened one time too many very probably because i allow it to.

and when things get like this, you can forgive but the sure as hell, the heart never forgets. and the heart remembers because the hurt eats into you, and bores little holes that remind you of the disappointment and sadness that you were made to feel.

honestly i thought it would be different this time. i guess i thought wrong.