My 100th Post

To commemorate, I thought I'd come clean with certain things that have been on my mind.

I was at tower records last saturday (the only place in okinawa i know of that is kind enough to allow customers, or non-buyers like me, to browse through US editions of fashion magazines) catching up on my monthly fill of fashion and gossip taking place on the other side of the world when i came across my horoscope in the november issue of harpers bazaar.

i dont normally read horoscopes and i never thought i'd believe in them, but for some reason i had stopped at the page on my way to the fashion spread. the horoscope read:

"A period of private review helps clarify your goals and philosophy, but don't lose touch with those who give good advice. If you are engaged in studies, long-distance and travel issues bring with them big news. Dreams are large and may strip down your bank account, but financial prudence can enable future fulfilment of desires."

this might be me over-thinking things again, but when i read it i was sure i had an epiphany.

but before that, lets just back up for a minute and review my present situation.

yes, after i graduate next march i have absolutely no plans for what's to happen next.

i turned down a job offer in september and while working in okinawa is still very much an option, the less-than-competitive job conditions here means that job-searching will involve a large degree of compromise on my part.

i say i want to go to america but i really am unsure about when it will really happen. it isnt the amount of preparation that scares me, but the lack of financial freedom that comes with a student's lifestyle that does. on the other hand, if i were to marry ken and settle in okinawa, i am afraid that america might just never ever materialise.

then again, marriage isnt on the cards and i dont know what ken is thinking. i am hopeful on one hand but am also fearing the worst.

i have decided on going home next march but i have no idea what my return will mean. i dont know how long i will stay and i dont know what sort of options i should be considering during my time in singapore.

so there, i have found myself in quite a situation. ideally speaking i would have liked to mull over a set of smaller, less frightful options in the final year before i turn 30, but then again i realise you can only plan for so much. life can pretty much spiral out of your hands even as you think things are proceeding according to plan.

my epiphany? for all the uncertainty that awaits me, i have decided that the best way to deal with it would be to embrace whatever that is to happen. despite the inertia that comes with taking the path less travelled, i have also found the reason why i shouldnt be giving up on my american dream.

my knowledge matters to me and so does my love for okinawa. there has to be a way i can put the two together and create something positive. i believe that the wrongs of this place should be put right, and perhaps i might have a role to play in educating people about this part of japan that so few people really care to learn more about.

america will happen with or without marriage and kids.
in the meantime, i will devote all my efforts towards my thesis and continue loving my man.
everything else, i'm leaving in the hands of time.